While traditional stereotypes place child-minding firmly in the hands of the mum, more and more dads are choosing to take a hands-on role in raising their families. Marie Madden reports Whether by choice or otherwise, the face of Irish family life is changing. It is now commonplace for women to be as career-driven as men and working the same hours, with children being taken care of by a babysitter or local crèche.

However, with the increase in the cost of childcare, reduced government assistance and widespread redundancies, having both parents in the workplace is becoming less and less practical. And rather than the mother giving up her job, it is now becoming increasingly common for the male to take the household reigns.

One man who knows the challenges faced by a stay-at-home dad is Adam Brophy, who left his lucrative position with publishers Gill & MacMillan to care for his daughter Nell.

Now a successful author with a regular column, 'It's a Dad's Life', in the Irish Times, he is visiting Galway to hand on his tips and tricks to fathers in the West.

Despite settling into the parenting process well, Adam admits it was a huge shock to the system when he made the big decision. "When we had Nell, we decided that once the maternity leave was up, we would leave her with a childminder while we both went back to work. But, when the time came, I just couldn't do it. I decided I'd have to take over. But it wasn't that easy to begin with; the physical side of looking after a baby isn't difficult, but there is a big mental adjustment.

"For example, I had tied up so much of my identity in my job that I had trouble figuring out who I was outside it. I was used of socialising with adults and we define ourselves by what we do. This can be particularly tough if you didn't make the choice to quit working, such as being made redundant. For the first while, I found myself justifying the fact that I was a stay-at-home dad by saying that I was planning to study or something. I didn't know how to react to that question."

However, this was just the first of many adjustments that Adam was going to have to face, as he soon found his masculine ways worked against him when it came to parenting.

"Men are so focussed on how things work and planning everything, whereas women take a more relaxed approach I think. The temptation when you are a man is to have the child learning and progressing from when they are two days old. We need to realise that they don't need to be the next Stephen Hawking; they don't need to be doing something all the time. It's really important not to be teaching and guiding all the time. Babies are very inquisitive and, if there is something they need to find, then they'll find it. It's best to let them lead the way and come to you; it develops a better connection.

"Also, I suppose the stereotype that men are the hunter-gather disciplinarians does have some truth in it and this has to be completely put to the side. The mother is usually the nurturing, comforting influence but when you are the primary childminder, you have to fit that role too and sometimes as a man, that can be difficult to adjust to."

While it may have taken a bit of getting used to, Adam is delighted with the change in his lifestyle and relishes his role bringing up the children. Men, he says, are more than capable of carrying out the traditional 'female' role but make things harder for themselves by failing to communicate with others in the same situation.

"It's another cliché but we don't like reading manuals or learning from each other; we prefer to figure it out for ourselves. When you are a man, there is a five or ten minute window where it's OK to talk about your family and after that it's gone. We don't tend to actively pursue help from our friends, which is a shame because it really does normalize things and makes you realise that there are other people in the same situation.

"When a two year old throws a temper tantrum, it's like a nuclear explosion. You've never seen anything like it in your life! There is no rhyme or reason to it and if you haven't experience it before, it's terrifying! When Nell did it for the first time, I thought 'what awful thing have I done to make her do this' but after a while, you realise that all children do this and you're not just a shite parent! The one thing I would say to men out there is, don't try and reinvent the wheel. Talk to people and get advice, it makes things a lot easier!"

Adam Brophy will be speaking at the '21st Century Dads' meeting for fathers at the Menlo Park Hotel on Tuesday 17 November. The meeting is open to all dads. Children are welcome and it is free of charge.

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